Should I be looking for Meth abuse?

sierra
nights

Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Ya know, I've been reading here a long time. I've been seeing a lot of posts about loved ones trying to prove their child or significant other is using meth.

My question is this: Is this something I should be doing with my child? I don't. I don't look for the drugs. I don't test his pee.
Am I doing something wrong here?

See I know he does. He knows I know.

Don't know, this just kinda hit me this morning. I almost feel I would drive myself crazy trying to prove he was using.

messge board replies...

Sfj

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

I'm in agreement with you.

People who spend all that time, emotional energy and resources trying to "prove" something are baffling.

You know, he knows, and each of you know what the other one knows. Instead of concentrating on the problem at this point, I think it would be better to work on the solution.

Helping people is better than criticzing them.

Doncha think?

I'm glad to see you have a good mature loving perspective on this.

sierra
nights

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sure not all that. I cry right much but I try not to let him see me. He gets all bent up when he sees his momma cry. Makes him angry.

I agree helping is much better. It's all I can do. Being where he is in life, well, he needs help. I don't really mean money help, just positive words. It's not always easy to encourage him but I believe it's right.

On the other hand, he uses, I must be doing something wrong. But then again, maybe not. He is an adult. Sure do wish he wouldn't.

Guene

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Sfj, I have alway's wanted to ask you, what do you do when you have done everything possible and they still chose the life there in? How can you make them see how much you love them and want to help them, when they seem to hate you so much? How can you talk to someone who yells at you and calls you names? When is it time to say enough is enough? I don't want to quit, but I have know fight left in me and she doesn't seem to want to change either, so what now, I walk away and hope to god she grow's up.

Time4
Change

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Well in my personal situation it wasn't that easy. It wasn't about trying to prove it just to do so. It was about knowing something was wrong and trying to figure out what it was so I could find a solution.

My addict is seated strongly in denial. So he tried to make me feel like I was crazy... he wasn't doing anything wrong it was all me. Control and mind games to keep me off balance and unaware of the real problem.

I was soft hearted and didn't want to unjustly accuse him of anything. Asking for the truth only got me lies and denial. I had to find the proof for myself so I knew it wasn't me and that I wasn't crazy. Beyond that I also hoped that by putting the proof in front of him he would quit denying it and realize the problem was serious and that he needs help.

Of course the smart folks here knew it wouldn't work and it didn't. Now I don't need proof I know I'm not crazy and it isn't me.

But had I not found the proof I'd probably be stuck in that cycle of control and manipulation .. doubting myself and losing my self esteem.

If addicts were honest we probably wouldn't feel the need to look for proof.

Edited to add...
I wish we could have worked on a solution together like SFJ suggests... unfortunately denial doesn't leave much room for work on solutions.

Sfj

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

To Time4Change,

You're right.

Addicts are not honest. An honest addict is an oxymoron.

Now then, you have two choices in my opinion.

You can linger on the notion that he is not honest and stay stuck in that position, or you can choose to accept the fact that addicts are liars and move on to the next part.

Sfj

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

To Guene,

I would be glad to tell you what I think. Very basic stuff. Meth users have problems. Those problems are made much worse when meth is used. But to the user, meth takes away the problems and reality cannot be seen or experienced in a way that it is by a normal person.

To a meth user, anybody or anything that seems to be, or possibly could be interfering with the meth use, is the ?enemy.? In a way, meth becomes like a new parent, it provides everything in the way of emotional comfort, self-esteem and validation. Sometimes it goes beyond that and it becomes more like ?god.? (lower case ?g?)

At that point, a meth user will see anything or anyone that is against meth as ?bad.? Something not to be trusted, loved or worthy. That is why meth users seem to ?hate? those who love them.

I?m going to step out here and realize that I run the risk of the gang of Sfj critics forming a posse, but here goes. The solution is tough, difficult, daunting and often close to impossible. But one of the most promising solutions is to overcome the lure of meth by providing something better. Yes, that is virtually, if not totally impossible sometimes. But love and God are bigger than any meth addiction.

Meth addicts are still people, but even meth addicts will respond to love if they feel it in a way that exceeds the feeling they get from meth. How do you do that? I don?t know because each person, each addict has a different way of receiving love. Some want affection, some want time, some want understanding and empathy, some want comfort, husbands often want sex, children want something they can?t define and often are unable to identify. But its there. In every human being, even in the most strung out speedfreak in the world - Its there.

I'm going to stop here. I'd rather have a discussion than be a lecturer.

trish70

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

IMO they test, dig around, try to find proof to prove it to themselves. People have a gut feeling and know it is true. But if there is a test to prove it then there is factual evidence. Just a thought???

Kind of like the cheating husband..you kinda know. But you hire a detective to get proof.

In divorce cases where kids are involved I think a test is valid. If you live with them and see them on a regular basis..you know!!!! Trust your gut and your instints.

kell

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Quote:
Trust your gut and your instincts.

Exactly! I tend to believe in most cases that *you* know if your loved one is using. What is the point of a urine test? To confirm what you already know? Then what do you do?

Time4
Change

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Sfj -

Quote:

You can linger on the notion that he is not honest and stay stuck in that position, or you can choose to accept the fact that addicts are liars and move on to the next part.

I've pretty much accepted that he's a liar. I'm not sure what you mean by move to the next part though.

EDITED TO ADD
In reading your post intended for Guene

Quote:
Meth addicts are still people, but even meth addicts will respond to love if they feel it in a way that exceeds the feeling they get from meth. How do you do that? I don?t know because each person, each addict has a different way of receiving love. Some want affection, some want time, some want understanding and empathy, some want comfort, husbands often want sex, children want something they can?t define and often are unable to identify. But its there. In every human being, even in the most strung out speedfreak in the world - Its there.

I feel like I've tried to "love" it away. Maybe if I do this or change this he'll realize and want to change. Affection, Time, Understanding, Empathy, Comfort, Sex... nothing seemed to be a solution to the problem... but then again it wasn't my problem to find a solution for so now I've stopped looking for one... solution that is. So is this what you meant by move to the next part?

Naiev
Newly
wed

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Quote:
Meth addicts are still people, but even meth addicts will respond to love if they feel it in a way that exceeds the feeling they get from meth. How do you do that? I don?t know because each person, each addict has a different way of receiving love. Some want affection, some want time, some want understanding and empathy, some want comfort, husbands often want sex, children want something they can?t define and often are unable to identify. But its there. In every human being, even in the most strung out speedfreak in the world - Its there.

Just popping in to say I disagree. There was nothing that I didn't give my husband and he didn't 'respond'. He just got deeper and deeper.

kell

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

I would have to say what works for one person may not for another. Each person is a unique individual.

Guene

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Will I have to say I don't disagree or agree with the love thing, I mean I loved her all her life and she has done everything to push her family away, I know that I will love her until she's gone or I'm gone, but I also know that you can't just keep trying to help someone who won't help themselves either. I don't know the answer and I can't keep trying to find it for her either, she has to meet us half way and she hasn't, she want's what she want's and the hell with what anybody else thinks. But I thank Sfj for his thoughts and for answering my question, I wish the answer would work on her, but I don't think it will, she's going to be 22 this year and she doesn't want us to help or say a damn thing to her, she's know's it all. B

Sfj

To Guene

"She" hasn't paid all her dues yet.

Her parents, and others have been paying her way.

The "Grandmaster Of Destiny" sometimes charges a pretty high price in the 'dues of life.'

sierra
nights

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

I threw this out here and haven't had the time to check it out. After reading the replies I guess maybe it's a little different for me.

Bobbie you live with your daughter. I don't believe I could take from my son what you have taken from her. He's never been to bad mean to me. When we lived in the same house it was the coming in all hours of the night and being gone for day. It worried me to death. It was also the company he kept. Some of the guys kinda scared me. And the girls, well we won't even go there. It was also the, I don't know, how do I say this, the gangster style (not exactly right) of life. They all carry guns, big guns and that scared me. He keeps blankets over the windows in his room. He wants the house shut down in lockdown mode. These are the reasons I moved in with my significant other. I was always so uncomfortable in my house.

To those of you that are married or live with your addict, well that's different from me too.

As far as the lies, yea my son lies like crazy. I know it. I just accept it. Not much I can do about it. I just concluded he's gonna do what he's gonna do. I can't stop him. Yeah, I could make him leave my house. And I can't say that I never will but I don't want him on the streets. I've drawn lines, no money period. Clothes I buy for him come without tags. Stuff like that.

I don't know the answer to any of this and I guess one answer doesn't fit all. I simply have to do what I can live with even though it may not be the right thing to do. It's all any of us can do.

Guene

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

What do you mean by she hasn't paid all her dues yet Sfj, If you don't mine me asking, I don't really understand that.

Sfj

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Meaning she hasn't grown up yet.

There's a lot to learn in life, some learn early, some learn later, some never learn.

I'm sure you remember the old phrase:
"Too soon we grow old, too late we grow smart."

Most of us, me included, and certainly my next to the youngest son, were ?know-it-alls? in our early twenties. (yeah, my boys are a chip off the old block)

It wasn't until I had been gone for a few years, had to get through a few classes in the "School of Hard Knocks? meaning: "being responsible and accountable for myself."

Then, one year, after being out on my own for awhile, I went back home and visited my dad. I was absolutely astounded at how much wiser "He Had Become."

I had begun to pay some of "my dues."

I chuckle when I think about this story.

A young guy struck out on his own for the first time in life. He got a low-paying first job, even rented an apartment and did the best he could to prove to his parents and himself that he was old enough to be ?independent.? His laundry was piling up and he didn?t have enough extra change to go to the Laundromat so he called mom and asked her if he could bring a bag of dirty clothes over and use the washer and dryer. Of course, mom was delighted and helped her 'young man? sort his clothes and do the laundry.

While watching the process, he told his mom, ?Man, this is really tough living on my own, I mean, the rent, and Electric bill, the phone bill, transportation, groceries, and all the stuff just keeps on adding up and making life so incredibly difficult.?

Good old mom said, ?Yes son, I know its tough, but I?m proud of you, just keep working at it, be a good person and you?ll make it.?

Son replied, ?Yeah, That?s easy for you to say, YOU live at HOME.?

imlost
inky

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Quote:
husbands often want sex

No he didn't. Not mine. It was offered many many many times - No.

No what mine wanted was an emotional connection, a look in my eye that showed pride.
Pride in my husband, that he was worth fighting for.

I think saying husbands often want sex does husbands a diservice.
Husbands have emotional needs too. Very much so.
I find with my husband is so hard for him to put into words how he feels.
It is so much easier just to push it down with a hit from a joint, hit off a foil, or a popped top on a beer can.
Easier to shove it down just a little deeper, get it away from the surface than to put it out there in the open and deal with it.

It isn't his physical needs not getting met that pushes that top open- it is emotional garbage that is weighing that man's soul down.
Damage from years of abuse, years of being unwanted , years of feeling low class and second rate.
It isn't physical at all.

I wish it was a physical thing. I wish all I had to do was just make love to my husband and I could fix all that is wrong.
If only it were that simple.
*sighs* and dreams of what if........I sure could do that one.

Kell
happy

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Q: How do you know when a drug addict is lying?

A. Their lips are moving.

I know it's not funny, but when an addict is actively using meth, it's the meth addiction talking, not the person you love. They will stand there and lie to you about the results of the test even if it's positive. I would've told you the sky was green and purple polka dotted if I thought it'd get me some more drugs. I don't think doing drug tests is necessarily bad, but I don't think they'll make an addict change or face up to, or admit anything.

txcarol

Re: Should I be looking for meth abuse?

Guene, I think that you have to let her hit her "rock bottom," whatever that is for her (or for you). My daugher at about age 22 started on her downward spiral and 3 years later (she will be 25 in one week), she is finally starting to recognize the love that her family has for her. I was called names, the same ones as you have been called, and I knew she didn't mean it, I loved her still -- although I don't deny that it affected me in a very hurtful way and I let her know it -- but it almost seemed that the more I tried to do for her the worse she got -- so I backed off in a major way -- mostly financial, and let her see how much life really costs (not just in money but mostly in money because I could not give any more love through food or thoughtfulness). Cut off the expensive things I was paying for that were her adult responsibility like car insurance, rent etc etc.). Now I have my first grandson on the way -- and I just pray and pray that everything will be all right. It seems all right from a health point of view, but I have my fears because of past drug use. She is now back home -- I have my daugher back, and she is so far everything I knew that she could be. Things are turning around positively and I swear it is because of turning it over to God through prayer. I just basically told her I could no longer financially keep up with her life unless I sacrificed my own life -- everything I have worked for for over 30 years. Once she realized I was serious about that things seemed to get better. So I know this is very long winded, but my point is that it just takes time and you have to decide whether or not you are willing to throw "it" out there on the line and let her make her own decision. I hope this has made sense to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You sound like such a good, loving, caring Mom. Take care.